Happy Gilmore Sunday Golf League
          
 

It began on October 30th, the first day of a grueling two day Clash Cup Championship.  The skies were clear and the temperature was a comfortable 84 degrees.  Red Fish Run was the scene of the first battle between Carmen's Crushers and Phil Patriotic Phamily.  Restless nights and second guessing filled the captain's consciousness.  No more trash talking, no more head games, the day had finally arrived.

12 days before the scheduled match date, Carmen had Jon, her #1 pick, abstain from sex.  Kinda like a boxer before a bout.  Jon didn't notice, since,12 days was not unusual. Carmen was confident in her team, but wanted to assure a victory, or as she put it, a "I want bloodbath".   To ensure a decisive victory, in a covert operation, Carmen with the assistance from Julie, flew in legendary golf ringer, Big Jim.

Captain Phil was also concerned.  Would KC and Bob, Platinum members of the Last One's Standing Club" and "Gold members of Cody's Bar and Grill and Priority members of Fiesta and Top Shelf members of Prima's, be able to focus after a Saturday night?   Can 3 Beckners on the same team get along?  Will Dennis have the courage to beat his wife of 36 years?  Can his team come together to take down the mighty Carmen Crushers?

Phil, upon hearing about the secret golfer being flown in from Colorado, hatched a devious plan.  Phil sent Mira packing to see her grandbabies and replaced her with his own secret weapon, badass, 18 Holes in One, Joan "Hitman" Bott.

It was obvious to everyone, that Carmen stacked her Black and Green squad.  Placing herself along with Smiles Mark Fabbro and two solid role players, handi-man Mark and I'd rather be in a pool, Debbie.  It was clear, Carmen wanted this match point.  As the Black and Green format has proved, scores in the high 30's, low 40's are easily attainable, if not expected. (editor's note:  Carmen leads in the individual point totals, and Andrea is close behind.  It's no coincidence that Carmen placed herself on a high point format and placed Andrea on the lowest point format) Shocker!  As predicted, her squad amassed 44 points and stole the first point.

Phil placed himself on the Black and Green format, along with, "I'd have more friends if I weren't married to #5", Donna B, KC, "I don't do mornings" and Wayne, the real hockey player of the bunch.  A solid line up, and certainly a dynamic 4some.  Each played well and scored s couple of birdies.  D1 helped Phil off the black tees on several occasions.  Wayne was solid off the green tees when the team needed him.  Although the rules do not require males to "play with their dick out" while teeing off at the green tees, Wayne chose too.  KC, by all accounts played very well.  She was proud of how she played, stating, "I was a little distracting playing with Wayne, let me rephrase that, a tiny distraction".  Each had a fun time competing and accumulated a score of 39.  

Round One:  Carmen's Crushers 1, Phil's Patriotic Phamily 0

Carmen placed her #1 draft pick on the 2 person scramble along with second place female, Andrea. (We already covered why Andrea was placed in this format).  Carmen had no reservations about this combination.  #1 draft pick and second place Andrea was expected to crush the crippled #5 and "Founding father of the Last One Standing Club", #2.5.

Phil, after watching the movie, "Seabiscuit", thought #2.5 could bring out the old glory in #5.  Hobbled by golfer's elbow in both arms, a torn left shoulder, a torn right elbow and erectile disfun....(lets stick with just bad elbows), could #5 and sweet, non- competitive 2.5 answered the call and take down the mighty Jon and Andrea of Green Bay, Wisconsin?  Is the impossible possible?

With clutch shot after clutch shot, each team played well enough to win.  In the end, #5 and #2.5 did create a "Miracle on Grass" by scratching out a much-needed victory.  #5 and #2.5 accumulated 20 points to Jon and Andrea's 19.  Look for a movie deal with HBO soon.

Round Two:  Carmen's Crushers 1,  Phil's Patriotic Phamily 1

The 4 person scramble format did not disappoint.  Carmen's Colorado Ringer and fellow Crushers faced off against the 79 year-old hole in one specialist and her follies.  Both captains had confidence in their respective squads.  The all-female, all fun team of Joan, "I think one of my tennis balls fell off my walker", "I never know the score", Krissy, "I only make my husband work 80 hours a week", Vicki and Pam, "I can't believe Mark made me find a ride home, just like in college" (it's really called the walk of shame) exploded onto the scene with a birdie on one, par on two and a birdie on three.  All spectators were amazed.  This had the Crushers, Big Jim, "Want a cream filled donut.....NOT) Julie, "Thank God I'm not playing with Jill" Harry and "Why I'm I not on a cruise" Kim looking over their shoulder the entire nine.  Rising up from sure defeat, somehow (and a few foot wedges later) Carmen's cruisers finished strong with 22 points. Phil's all female squad may have fizzled toward the end and despite a tremendous start, scored 20 points, losing by just 2 points.  (On the bright side, the 20 point total is the lowest point total for the season in the 4 person scramble format and that gets the gals some $$$$) Yeah!

Round Three:  Carmen's Crushers 2   Phil's Patriotic Phamily 1

Carmen put a solid line up for the 3and 1, minus 5 format.  With smiling Sue and glass half full Craig, being teamed up with glass half empty Jill and I'd rather be playing water volleyball, who will never read this, nor find this website on his burner phone, only playing with free golf balls, wishing his wife would take more cruises, Dale. 

These Crushers had a tough assignment playing against Phil's Dream Team of last picked KMac, playing like shit the last 2 days Bobby, (his words not this writer's) along with, stay out late and get others in trouble, Lonny and 1982 Star Search singing finalist, Dave.  Like Joe Namoth, KMac guaranteed a victory.  Drinking bourbon, whiskey and smoking cigars, they played without a care in the world.  Collecting a few yellow cards for loud play and disturbing others on the course, they cruised to 32 points.
Smiling Sue has a competitive spirit (some call it a mean streak).  She pushed her team to 29 points.  After hole 9, Craig wanted to know why he didn't win Skins again.  Jill wasn't feeling too well and that may have played a factor in their loss.  A valiant effort, but the Crushers came up 3 points short.  And Dale, well, he won't read this...............

Round 4:  Carmen's Crushers 2       Phil's Patriotic Phamily  2

Probably the best match up of the day was in the Scotch Doubles format.  Not sure the Captains had planned this match up, but it pitted Crusher Dodi and Dean verses Patriotic Dennis and Charli.  Phil had the upmost confidence in Dennis and Charli.  Charli, didn't even know what format she was playing in.  Was it her cockiness or deer in headlights?  Anyhoos, spectators stated Charli played well, well enough to win.  Dennis, who is very competitive, is known as a man who rises up to all challenges. (later he was overheard saying, "fuck this format")

Carmen had Dodi in this format, because Dodi would kick a baby to win a competition against Dennis.  Teamed with Dean, who compliments Dodi's game (another way of saying this is, he can put up with her) Dean is steady and Dodi expects her partner to be the wind beneath her wings, so she can shine.  Reminds me of the movie, 10 feet from Stardom.

We must give props when they are due, and Carmen gets one here.  Dodi and Dean's game was a little better than Dennis and Charli this afternoon.  Dodi and Dean 29, Dennis and Charli 25. 

Charli and Craig later, consummated their losses that night.  So, there's that.  Dennis was last seen curled up in his bathtub.

Round 5:  Carmen's Crushers 3       Phil's Patriotic Phamily 2

Day 1 goes to Carmen's Crushers.  It is far from over.
Will Carmen keep the same teams or change the Crushers? 
Can the Red and Blue make a comeback?  
Can Carmen come up with another winning combination?
Can Phil find the pairing to get the 4 points needed to win the Clash Cup?
Stay tuned.

Quotable Quotes

Carmen on her team' performance:  "3 Fu$%# 'in points!  That's bullshit.  I want to beat those Patri-bums like a rented mule. I'm pissed!"

Big Jim, "Where's the real beer?"

Lonny, "I have to get home, my wife's in town, can't stay."

Charli, "I 'm having sex with Craig, at least I think so, let me check, yep, it's Craig."

Phil, "I'm proud of my team.  We competed.  We left everything we had on the course.  I think we can win this thing, come December 18th"

KC, "where's my tequila?"

KMac, "Was I really the last male drafted?'

2.5, "That was painful."

Jon, "Fuck!"